Saucy and the Condom Factory

Some of the most awkward moments take place at the Chemist. Like when you go to buy the monthly supply of Whisper Ultra, the guy refuses to look into your eyes when he's handing the package over to you. And why do they feel the need to wrap it in a newspaper or brown paper bag? What are they so embarassed about anyway? It's as natural as pooping for heaven's sake, yet they never feel awkward when they're giving you Isaab gol or other laxatives!

Condoms are the other thing that have maximum embarassment potential.

I've bought condoms a couple of times, but always for friends (I feel the need to make that clear for some reason). It's always been a funny experience, which is probably why I agree to go buy it in the first place. I think it's the only time the chemist actually wonders what kind of a person you are. Probably even wonders when you're going to put those condoms to use, or with whom. If I were a chemist, I would have a whole story flowing in my head while selling the condoms. I enjoy this; I enjoy the fact that this man is trying to figure out who I am, and why I'm buying the condoms when it's usually the guy's job. Which is why, my most recent condom buying experience has now become one of my many, most unforgettable moments.

Friday at midnight, we find ourselves in a Toyota Innova , returning from a party. Thumbelino, his mummy- Blue Shadow, The Warrior Princess, and I are inebriated and sleepy. Thumbelino and the Warrior Princess were in dire need of condoms that night, and had mentioned it to me at the party. Now if you know Saucy Minx well enough, you should know that I am a very helpful friend, and therefore I decided I would make it my mission to get these kids their condoms. I instructed the driver to stop at the next All Night Chemist. Surprisingly there were none between Altamount road and Mahim, where we finally stopped. The Chemist was situated just in front of the Mahim Masjid. It already felt so wrong. I told Blue Shadow that I had to buy medicines for my diarrhoea and asked Thumbelino to accompany me. The two of us got out of the car and began to giggle uncontrolably. We cross the road and land at the Chemist counter. The guy at the counter is busy scribbling in his records, least concerned about what we want. In the meanwhile, Thumbelino and I are glancing at each other bashfully, not knowing what to do. Finally I say to Thumbelino, "Dude this is your thing, you do it!!" I hardly got all that out of my mouth, and Thumbelino blurts out, "CONDOM".

Now let me go a few seconds back in time... When we arrived at the chemist counter, we were surrounded by all these dutiful Muslim men in their skullcaps, who didn't even notice us. It's close to 12.30 am and yet this place is quite busy. The Chemist is writing in his records, probably wondering when this day would end. He's bored out of his mind, his wife's being a bitch, and bringing children up is no joke. This day could only get worse, he thinks to himself. He can feel our presence but is in no mood to acknowledge us.

Back to the present, Thumbelino just blurted out "Condom". The bored Chemist literally jumps in his place and his head pops up to meet ours. And that's not all...the entire place has got silent and everyone is staring in our direction- the chubby girl in a flowing black skirt and the white boy in a waistcoat. The Chemist has this all knowing smile on his face; which no matter what he did, he could not wipe off. The three of us stare at each other for a few seconds; the chemist still smiling. Finally he nods and goes in the back to get the condoms. Thumbelino and I burst out laughing, seriously embarassed. All of them are probably imagining Thumbelino and me at it, like bunnies. They're also perhaps amazed that the both of us came to buy condoms, together! Who does that?! And to top it off, when the Chemist returned with the condoms; IN A BROWN PAPER BAG, Thumbelino removes his wallet and discovers he has only a 50 rupee note! So, I end up paying the other 50. We're all about the sharing and caring!

For some reason I decide to ask the guy what brand he's selling us. Another smile and a reply, "Durex. Six for 100". Right, so durex it is and 6! (The image of 6 used up condoms, lying beside a messed up bed, pops into my dirty, filthy mind) I boldly remove it from the brown paper bag and hand it over to Thumbelino, "Stuff it in your pocket. I can't possibly hand over the bag to you in front of Mother Blue Shadow". He manages to stuff it in his pocket and we turn around towards the car. We break into another bout of giggles while crossing the road. I tell Thumbelino, "Dude we're so going to be laughing about this when we're 80 and toothless!" We get into the car, still giggling, but Mother Blue Shadow is sleepier and possibly even more inebriated to notice something is amiss. The night is soon over, the memory making me laugh myself to sleep.

The next day, the Warrior Princess informs me on how well Thumbelino and the durex performed. I was pleased. My embarassment, the loss of my 50 rupees and my virginal reputation were all worth it.

------------------

For all those interested, do check out this fabulous Levis commercial, shot by Michel Gondry. Kinda reminds me of my situation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uj6G1C6c0uw