The Fat Chronicles

Shivani: Shoaaaaaa

Make me thin

me: FUCK YOU

don't even talk about that with me!

Shivani: Hahahhahahaha

me: I've waited 10 yrs for someone to make ME thin

Where the fuck is that sodding Fat Fairy?! I find myself praying every night, not for peace or health or any of that dribble (since it never really works, anyway), but for waking up THIN. "Please let me wake up thin. Please! How hard is it to make someone thin overnight?! Oh come on...stop with the excuses! You aren't really doing much for the world anyway...You've literally left us to eat each other (and not even in a 'pleasurable' way, if I may note)...Then why can't you just MAKE ME THIN?!" Then I fall asleep. I dream of adventures with the Golden Trio and of having wild, passionate, angry sex with a Slytherin Sex God and then just when I'm in the middle of some exciting stuff... I'm woken, by my dear Mum; who is busy yelling about how it is two in the effing afternoon! I open my crusty, lusty eyes and look down at myself. And bugger me! I'm NOT BLOODY THIN!

Men think about sex every second minute of their lives, or so I've been told. And women, you ask?! Women think of losing those blasted kgs...sometimes even nonexistent kgs! I'd rather think about sex all the time, to tell you the truth. And come to think of it...I think I do...which is probably why I've got 2 bellies, an ass the size of Antartica and bazookas that I'm too afraid of flaunting...and who could forget the thundering thighs! Last night, a conversation with a cute little white boy (who I'm actually growing quite fond of...) informed me that some men like their women 'saftig' ...which actually means 'juicy'. That, is a slight relief! So Shivani; and my many other sweet darling women, would you rather be the fluffy Cotton candy or the size zero stick that holds the cotton candy?

I could say proudly that I'd be the Cotton candy, but I'd be joshing myself. Perhaps that would make me androgynous...since I'd be thinking about sex AND losing weight every second minute of my life. It's a wonder my brain still functions even half as normally as it does.

It's been 10 years in this body. We have had a wonderful journey. We've made great friends, and flirted with many unsuspecting young lads and even spanked their juicy- in most cases, toned- behinds. We've held our head high, we've never backed down from a fight. Even when disgusting Indian men from local trains have yelled "Moti" at us, while we pass them by, we've turned around proudly and flipped them off, and beautiful words like "Gaandu madarchod" have effortlessly left our luscious lips. But now...now the time has come to get down to some yoga and shed perhaps some of that juiciness. We'd like to be juicy strawberries instead of juicy watermelons, right?!

Fat fairies, like the tooth fairy and dear old Santa, do exist. They probably just don't visit India as much as we'd like. So I guess we'll have to fend for ourselves eh! And our Father who art in Heaven, is probably a tad bit busy creating all those vile little creatures who grow up to be Us... So I guess it's about time we gave the poor Almighty a break.

So bring on the yoga bitch...let's get some curves back into this body!!!

(Ism... thanks for the inspiration. You're a cutie!)